Death is a terrifying notion for all of us. It is one of the greatest unknowns of life and every major religion has sought to answer this fundamental question of what lies in the great beyond. For those who do not accept the existence of an afterlife, it can be unsettling to entertain the idea that death is the final end, that we will return to nothingness. Roy shares his story and thoughts on this matter:

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Having lost most of his immediate family and having had some close encounters with death himself, Roy is uniquely placed to offer his insights on this matter. 

Upon officially renouncing Islam in 2017, the biggest issue on Roy’s mind was how to conduct his funeral. 

He discovered that you could either pledge to donate your organs or your whole body to the National Organ Transplant Unit (NOTU). For the latter option, NOTU will first harvest all the organs that are suitable for transplant and the remainder of the cadaver is used for medical training. 

Roy likens it to being a “silent mentor” to the students so that they can become skilled doctors in the future. He believes that this is the most meaningful choice as it will allow him to continue contributing to humanity long after he is gone. 

You can learn more about organ donation here at liveon.gov.sg.

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Donating organs after death has become a favourite talking point of his whenever he meets other ex-Muslims. Not only will this spare their families the shock from realising that their loved one cannot be buried in the Muslim cemetery with the rest of the family, it will also relieve them of the extra work and financial burden of making alternative funerary arrangements while they are in the midst of grieving. 

“When I die, I don’t need my body anymore, it is a shell of who I was, so why not give it to someone who desperately needs it?” Roy asked. 

Muslims, however, insist that the body of the deceased must be buried in as close to perfect a condition as possible. This stems from the desire for their loved ones to have a fully intact and functional body in the afterlife. 

Roy still vividly recalls what happened when his father passed away when he was 6. His father had died at home and when the ambulance came, the entire family vehemently refused to let them take his body away to the morgue. He overheard his relatives saying “if they take him away to do the autopsy, they will take out his eyes, then he won’t have his eyes in the afterlife.” 

As he got older, Roy decided that these fears were unfounded.

The latest fatwa by MUIS states that it is permissible for Muslims to be included in the opt-out Human Organ Transplant Act.

End-of-life Planning

Having lost many members of his family, Roy is acutely aware of the fact that death can strike at any moment. He has already settled all his affairs, from drafting up his will to even writing his own eulogy. Knowing he has covered all his bases gives him immense reassurance. 

Did you know the government has launched a website for end-of-life planning? You can write in your wishes at mylegacy.life.gov.sg.

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Roy wants to normalise having conversations about death. For most people, death is a deeply unsettling topic that they would rather sweep under the carpet. But for him, talking openly about death removes the tension and worries. In a mixture of seriousness and levity, he told his close friends “If I die, make sure you do my memorial the way I want it, you don’t f*** it up ah?”

Humour is a great tool to diffuse awkwardness and temper sadness. When they were preparing his late brother for his funeral, Roy made jokes about his memories of him. He wanted his family to celebrate his brother’s memory instead of feeling pity. 

“Of course I was crying non-stop after the funeral,” he said. “You have to cry, you have to laugh. Life is always constantly changing, I don’t need to be in the same state of sadness all the time.”

Handling Grief As An Irreligious Person

Roy is very well-acquainted with the cycle of life and death, from bidding goodbye to family members to welcoming new additions to the family. It gives him the reassurance that when the time comes for him or any of his loved ones, he knows how to grieve and let go properly.

The first time that grief hit him very hard was when he had lost his grandmother at 15. It was so painful that it triggered his first suicide attempt. 

He kept it to himself because he did not know how to talk about it and he did not feel anybody would listen to him. He dealt with his grief by offering a prayer to his grandmother after his five daily prayers. However, consoling himself with the thought that she is now in a better place did not offer much respite; he likens it to a painkiller that only brings temporary relief, but the memories and feelings will come surging back. 

He believes in honouring our emotions by accepting them and experiencing them fully without holding back. Grief is a difficult process but it will come to pass. When his mother passed away, he cried and cried every day for three months straight until he had no tears left to shed. The sadness is gone, and all that is left is his memories of his mother. 

Click here to read Roy’s tribute to his mother

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Contemplations About Death

“Memento Mori, Memento Vivere”—Remember you will die, remember how to live. 

This mantra is a constant reminder that life and death are always next to each other. 

It’s always on Roy’s mind that death can come at any time. Sometimes, during his work as a Grab driver, he experienced near-misses on the road. In 2022, Roy had a severe dengue infection with a week-long high fever.

Back then, he asked himself: “Is this how I’m going to die? It sucks lah, but if this is how I’m going to die, so be it, just let me die. If you’re in so much pain, the only thing you want is relief.” 

Knowing that one day he will no longer be on this planet gives him a certain sort of relief—no more bills to pay, no more problems to worry about, no more sadness to face. 

“Every man has two deaths, when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name.”―Ernest Hemingway. 

It is human nature to want to be remembered long after we are gone, but realistically, the memories of us will die with the ones who knew us. Roy does not desire to be remembered forever, but he takes comfort in being remembered in the short term for making a difference in the lives of others.

One thing that gives him anxiety is that if either him or his brother dies, the other will be left all alone by himself as the sole survivor of their immediate family. 

He was supposed to meet his other brother for a meal but he could not find the time. When the news came that he passed away from a sudden heart attack, he regretted not seeing him for one last time. He now makes a conscious effort to spend as much time as possible with his surviving brother.

Read Roy’s reflections after his elder brother’s passing

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Witnessing the passing of his family one by one was a wake-up call for Roy. He started being more intentional about his time and his priorities. He has been working through his bucket list, learning to play the piano and saving up for a trip to England to watch Manchester United play live. 

He also became more health-conscious and reduced the frequency of going drinking with his friends. 

In the past, whenever he had quarrels with his wife, he would not talk to her for a few days. But now, they strive to avoid confrontation and be more forgiving of each others’ mistakes. Every day, they say goodbye properly when they leave for work and kiss each other good night. If one of them dies, at least their spouse’s last memory is something happy that will uplift them and help them through the grieving process. 

Stepping Up in Times of Crisis

At the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic, Roy was part of the pioneer group of Grab drivers who stepped forward to ferry patients to the test centres, hospitals and polyclinics. 

Many of his elderly colleagues wanted to play it safe. During the early stages, not much was known about the virus and most people were rightfully scared of the unknown. 

Later on, while seeing people becoming severely afflicted and dying did make him worried, he had the reassurance that if he followed the decontamination protocols to the T, nothing would go wrong. 

Death and grief are understandably difficult topics, but it need not be this way if we are equipped with the right mental tools and have made the necessary preparations, as Roy has shown us.

This is a reflection penned by the Humanist Society President, Nora.

Pink Dot 2024 was truly rewarding. It was a vibrant event where I had the pleasure of engaging with new faces and introducing them to the Humanist Society of Singapore (HSS) and our activities. Many expressed that our society is exactly what they have been searching for.

At our booth, we were delighted to offer free fabric coasters and lanyards to all visitors. These items were made from leftover or donated materials, supporting our commitment to sustainability and the repurposing of resources. It’s part of our broader dedication to the zero-waste movement, particularly concerning food and fabric materials.

Reflecting on my first Pink Dot experience back in 2022, it was quite a cultural revelation. Having learned about it only through social media while I was in Malaysia, I wasn’t fully prepared for the dazzling array of expressive and colorful attire.

Initially, it was a bit of a shock, but soon enough, I found myself embracing this vibrant display of diversity. It underscored for me that true diversity goes beyond mere acceptance; it’s about understanding and celebrating our differences.

My daughter once asked me my thoughts on same-sex marriage. I believe that marriage is essentially a social contract, and there’s no inherent reason it must be limited to a man and a woman. To me, marriage is about selecting the right partner to navigate life’s journey with. The core of it is love and mutual respect, and true love transcends gender boundaries.

I recall a visit from an American friend and his partner, an Australian, in Kuala Lumpur. They joined us for dinner, and we had a wonderful evening filled with laughter alongside my daughter and extended family. Interestingly, I hadn’t told my children about the couple’s marriage beforehand. A week later, during another family dinner, my husband revealed that the two men were legally married to each other.

The initial surprise on my children’s faces quickly gave way to understanding. We talked about how their view of the couple shouldn’t change just because they learned about their marriage. They were the same kind and entertaining individuals we had enjoyed dinner with. It was a valuable lesson in seeing beyond labels and appreciating people for who they truly are.

With Thailand’s recent legalization of same-sex marriage, it makes me wonder how long it will take for Singapore to follow suit.

My day at Pink Dot ended with a meaningful conversation with an insightful young woman from a conservative Indian Hindu background. She was grappling with questions about her religion and the challenges of gaining her parents’ acceptance. We discussed the importance of maintaining peace within the family and finding ways to compromise and resolve conflicts without anger. She left feeling more at peace and agreed to continue our conversation in the future.

Attending Pink Dot has been enriching, and I look forward to supporting and participating in this event for as long as it continues.

Managing the Humanist Society can be exhausting. Occasionally, you may encounter a fellow member, volunteer, or Exco member who is overly critical, leading to breakdowns in goodwill and extended conflict. If left unmanaged, this can affect cohesion within the Society and impact mental health.

When this happens, regardless of which “side” you’re on, remember the following:

1. People Here Are Inherently Good

The Humanist Society is a non-profit organization run entirely by volunteers. Most people join out of goodwill, not for financial gain.

They generally seek the same goals as you, though they may have different ideas on how to achieve them.

2. Find Common Ground

If people care enough about the Society to engage in disagreements, they share a foundational connection with it.

In the heat of conflict, remind each other of the common principles you both uphold. It’s not worth damaging relationships over a few disagreements.

3. Communicate Your Feelings

The other party may not realize they are being difficult or that their delivery is hurtful.

When tensions rise, set aside the content of the disagreement and discuss feelings. Share openly how their actions have affected you and suggest better ways to communicate.

4. Seek Help When Needed

The Humanist community is larger than you might think, and the Society should not be reduced to a battleground for two individuals.

If stuck in a prolonged disagreement, seek a third-party opinion to mediate or provide affirmation. People are busy but will respond if you need help.

5. Remember what the majority feels

A small percentage of people cause the majority of challenges. In reality, most Society members are supportive and cooperative.

Don’t get disillusioned by criticism from a few individuals.

Conversely, if the majority is concerned of an issue, then save your energy for those issues.

6. Prioritize Face-to-Face Communication

Nothing beats face-to-face interaction for resolving conflicts and managing difficult behaviors. It fosters empathy and understanding often lost in digital or written communication.

Encourage private discussions at Humanist Society events, and involve a third party if necessary.

7. Assess Relevance

Disagreements over the best way to run HSS can be irrelevant if rival arguments are not feasible due to rules in the Constitution of the Humanist Society, and the Societies Act.

For instance, debates on running a charity are moot because HSS is registered as a Society, not a Charity.

Read the Constitution, and ensure the disagreement is even pertinent.

8. Focus on the Long Term

Some disagreements are too inconsequential to have a lasting impact.

Ask yourself if the issue will matter in five years.

This perspective helps you refocus on what truly matters.

Don’t end up missing the forest for the trees.

On June 22, 2024, the Humanist Society of Singapore commemorated World Humanist Day  OnePeople.sg.

World Humanist Day is an annual celebration promoting the positive values of humanism and addressing global issues. For 4 hours, attendees engaged in insightful discussions and presentations.

The event commenced with registration at 12:30 PM followed by an opening speech where President Nora provided a brief introduction to the Humanist Society of Singapore (HSS), highlighting its track record and ongoing activities.

Guest speaker Dr. Hakim Young gave his presentation on “Embracing Humanity: Beyond Binary Ideals.” Dr. Young emphasized the importance of kindness and empathy in human interactions, challenging traditional moral frameworks and advocating for a more inclusive society.

Nora presented “Humanistic Perspectives in End-of-Life Issues.” Her presentation explored the humanistic approach to terminal illness, emphasizing dignity, autonomy, and holistic care. Nora highlighted principles such as respecting autonomy in end-of-life decisions and providing compassionate support to individuals and their families facing difficult circumstances.

Founding President Paul Tobin delivered a thought-provoking presentation on the “Future of Humanism.” Paul highlighted global trends, including the rise of non-religious populations worldwide (even in Middle East and Southeast Asia) and in Singapore. He said that in the future, humanism will have to make itself relevant to social justice causes, environmental conservation, and ethical considerations in emerging technologies.

Paul gave three major conclusions: affirming the enduring presence of humanists and non-religious individuals in Singapore, advocating for their role in shaping societal advancements, and addressing emerging ethical challenges posed by technologies like artificial intelligence and transhumanism.

The event had panel discussion at 3:00 PM, where participants explored strategies for the Humanist Society to remain relevant in a rapidly changing world. Discussions revolved around community engagement, education initiatives, and advocacy efforts to promote humanistic values across diverse demographics.

Throughout the afternoon, attendees engaged in thoughtful dialogue, reflecting on the principles of humanism and their application in contemporary issues.

At this workshop, held on 18 May 2024 at OnePeople.sg, we grapple with existential questions: “Who are we?” and “Where did we come from?”

The two hour workshop was an examination of our past, wherein we dived deeper into the foundations of our current society.

It consists of 2 segments:

The first portion of the workshop delivered by our Asst Secretary Jan, who proceeded to deliver a succinct but information-laden speech on the pillars of modern society, shedding light on the infrastructure that sets us apart from our societal counterparts in ancient times.

Guiding us through a deep dive into the various components of a nation state: Defense, Legislation, Education, Industry, Finance, Health, Culture and Democracy, our focus is directed to the systems we need to defend for a safe and prosperous nation, and we are informed of the threats posed toward them.

As Humanists, it is our prerogative to keep these pillars that preserve our human well-being safe and secure.

Sree then, zoomed out, explaining to us the history of everything. We zoom out all the way from our current day, to the Big Bang, finally culminating in the question of “Why this all matters”. As we learn, through his speech, to appreciate just how far as a race, and as the only life in our local observable universe we have come, finally, we discuss the merits and cons of nihilism, and discussion after brought on the concept of “Optimistic Nihilism”, a view where we choose our values, our meaning, and afford ourselves self-forgiveness, for our mistakes are not eternal.

All in all, a technical session, nuanced and rife with clarification and disagreement, leading to learning for all.

Letters to HumanistSG is a column where we reply to appeals for advice/help from non-religious individuals.

Dear Sir/Mdm, I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to seek advice regarding my child, who has recently started learning about religion from friends in school. As a non-religious parent, I respect others’ right to their beliefs, but I want to ensure my child develops a well-rounded perspective without feeling pressured. Could you offer guidance on how to discuss religious topics with my child in a balanced way?  I aim to foster an environment of understanding and critical thinking, allowing my child to explore different viewpoints. Any suggestions on age-appropriate resources or conversation starters would be greatly appreciated. My goal is to support my child’s curiosity and growth while emphasizing the importance of empathy, respect, and open-mindedness. Thank you for your time and assistance. Regards, Lin (Name has be redacted for privacy)

Our reply

Dear Lin,

Thank you for reaching out and for your thoughtful approach to this important issue.

It’s wonderful that you aim to foster an environment of understanding, critical thinking, and open-mindedness for your child. Here are some suggestions that might help:

• Start with a foundation in science and critical thinking. Young children often grasp concrete ideas more easily before moving on to abstract concepts. Encourage curiosity by discussing how the natural world works, which can serve as a basis for exploring more complex topics later on.

• When discussing religion, consider leading by example. Share your values through actions and explanations like, “I do good because it helps others and makes the world a better place.” This helps your child understand morality without relying on religious frameworks.

• Engage in open-ended discussions. When your child asks about religion, respond with questions such as, “What do you think?” This encourages them to explore their thoughts and form their own opinions. It also reinforces the importance of critical thinking.

• Highlight human potential and resilience. Explain that while bad things happen, humans have the power to make positive changes. This can instill a sense of empowerment and responsibility in your child.

• Introduce religion as a spectrum of beliefs. Exposure to different religions can be educational and help your child develop empathy and respect for diverse perspectives. Be present during these discussions to provide guidance and context.

• Teach the Golden Rule: “Treat others as you want to be treated.” This simple yet powerful principle can guide your child’s interactions and understanding of morality.
  

[Some books suitable for children in non-religious families] What is humanism? How do I live without a god? And other big questions for kids (Wayland) by Michael Rosen and Annemarie Young (ages 8-14). Belonging and Believing: My Humanist Family (Books at Press) by Gill Vaisey (ages 4-7) – learn about the lived experiences of a young boy and his humanist family Atheism for Kids (Winter House Books) by Jessica Thorpe is a short introduction for younger children to what it means to be an atheist. And for young adults we recommend The Young Atheist’s Handbook by Alom Shaha. Source: Humanist UK

Remember, teaching is a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient and open to your child’s questions and perspectives. Encourage them to think independently while providing a loving and supportive environment.

I hope these suggestions help. Supporting your child’s curiosity and growth while emphasizing empathy and respect is a commendable goal.

You might also want to read about this support session for non-religious parents: https://humanist.org.sg/humanist-cafe-summary-parenting-for-the-non-religious/

Please feel free to reach out if you need further assistance.

Letters to HumanistSG is a column where we reply to appeals for advice/help from non-religious individuals.

Hello… I’ve been feeling very stressed lately…  It is my final year in school and I’m struggling to keep up with the exam preparations. My life has been nothing but non-stop revision, and after school I still have tuition.   My friends are feeling under pressure too, and I really envy how they have God to turn to. They also have prayer groups in school and I see them exchanging exam notes with each other… I found out about the Humanist Society on IG recently. This is great because I’m a freethinker, and I don’t feel like joining a religious group yet.  Does the Humanist Society provide any support for freethinkers who are feeling stressed?  – TY (True name redacted for privacy)

Our reply

Dear TY,

I’m truly sorry to hear how stressed you’re feeling. The final year of school is demanding, and adding tuition on top of your long school hours can be overwhelming!

It’s important to recognize that you are not alone in this struggle. While your friends find solace in their faith and prayer groups, there are other ways to find support and strength.

• Remember that you’ve incredible inner strength, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
• Remind yourself that you’ve love and support from your family and friends.
• Celebrate small wins, no matter how minor they may seem.
• Practice self-compassion, acknowledging you are only human and need rest at times.

Remember, things will keep changing. The challenges you face now will eventually pass. Embrace perseverance and keep moving forward, even when the path seems difficult. Humanists believe in the power of the human spirit to overcome obstacles. You have the resilience within you to navigate this tough period.

If you ever need to talk or seek advice, the Humanist Society is here to support you. The Humanist Society has monthly meetings where you can connect with others who share your perspectives and experiences.

Surrounding yourself with people who understand your journey can provide a sense of belonging and emotional support.

All the best to your revision. Ganbatte!

Letters to HumanistSG is a column where we reply to appeals for advice/help from non-religious individuals.

To the Humanist Society, My dad is terminally ill. The doctors have given him 3 more months to live. My dad is an atheist and he does not believe there is life after death. However, I can see that he is sometimes afraid of what’s coming for him, and worried about the loved ones he’s going to live behind. I do not know what else I can do to comfort him. He does not want any prayers, nor any evangelisation attempts, in his final days. Can you help? Sincerely, YT (Real name is redacted for privacy)

Our reply

Dear YT,

I’m deeply sorry to hear about your dad’s condition.

This is an incredibly challenging time, and your desire to comfort him without resorting to religious approaches shows a great deal of respect for his wishes.

In these final months, the most valuable thing you can do is to be present and attentive. Spend time listening to his concerns, fears, and memories.

Engaging in conversations about his life, the things he’s proud of, and the relationships he’s cherished can be very comforting. This helps affirm the meaning and value of his life.

Encourage him to express his thoughts and feelings openly. Sometimes, articulating worries and fears can provide a sense of relief.

Assist him in settling his affairs if he wishes, and reassure him that his loved ones will be taken care of.

Don’t worry if you don’t have the answers for him. The goal is to help him find his own sense of closure and reassurance.

Your presence and empathy can offer profound comfort, helping him to feel valued and loved in his final days.

Letters to HumanistSG is a column where we reply to appeals for advice/help from non-religious individuals.

Dear Sir/Mdm, I hope this letter finds you well. I’m reaching out because I’m facing an internal struggle. I come from a deeply religious family who prays together regularly. To my parents, God is at the center of our family, and guides us in many actions and thoughts. Over the years, even though I have attended many religious classes, I’ve come to realize that I don’t share those beliefs anymore. I no longer find any meaning in the rituals. I want to live a life true to myself. I’m considering coming out as an atheist, but the thought of potentially disappointing my family weighs heavily on me. I love my parents deeply and I don’t want to break their hearts. I am also worried about the backlash from my community, which opposes apostasy. What should I do? Sincerely Haley (True name redacted for privacy)

Our reply

Hi Haley,

Thank you for confiding in me during this challenging time. Your struggle with reconciling your non-religiosity with the expectations of your deeply religious family is understandably difficult.

You are not alone. Every year, there are many people who have left religion and I have many of them at the Humanist Society today. Like you, they love their family and they don’t want to disappoint them.

There are a few ways to navigate this situation. Firstly, you can weigh the pros and cons of coming out to your family.

Pros:

• Being open about your non-religiosity allows you to live authentically and more happily, free from the burden of pretending to follow beliefs you no longer believe.
• Being free from religious rituals also frees up time and energy to learn other philosophies, leading to personal growth.
• Declaring your non-religiosity earlier gives your family more time to accept you for who you are.

Some cons:

• Your family might never accept your non-religiosity, leading to prolonged conflict. You could be forced to live separately.
• Backlash or ostracism from your community could impact your social and emotional well-being.
• If the majority of your friends are from the same religion. you could lose a large number of friends within a short time.

While deciding the best course of action to take, there are some things you can do to prepare yourself for an eventual transition.

• Ensure you are financially independent, so you have the means to move out.
• Build new networks in new communities that accept you for who you are.
• Build mental resilience, cultivating healthy ways to cope with stress and rejection.

In worst cases, where acceptance is not possible, consider being a non-practising member of your religious community as a compromise. Above all, remember to prioritize your own well-being and happiness as you make this decision. If you need support from the Humanist Society, you are welcome to join our events and seek advice from like-minded people.

Wishing you strength, clarity, and peace as you journey forward.