Letters to HumanistSG is a column where we reply to appeals for advice/help from non-religious individuals.
| Dear Sir/Mdm, I hope this letter finds you well. I’m reaching out because I’m facing an internal struggle. I come from a deeply religious family who prays together regularly. To my parents, God is at the center of our family, and guides us in many actions and thoughts. Over the years, even though I have attended many religious classes, I’ve come to realize that I don’t share those beliefs anymore. I no longer find any meaning in the rituals. I want to live a life true to myself. I’m considering coming out as an atheist, but the thought of potentially disappointing my family weighs heavily on me. I love my parents deeply and I don’t want to break their hearts. I am also worried about the backlash from my community, which opposes apostasy. What should I do? Sincerely Haley (True name redacted for privacy) |
Our reply
Hi Haley,
Thank you for confiding in me during this challenging time. Your struggle with reconciling your non-religiosity with the expectations of your deeply religious family is understandably difficult.
You are not alone. Every year, there are many people who have left religion and I have many of them at the Humanist Society today. Like you, they love their family and they don’t want to disappoint them.
There are a few ways to navigate this situation. Firstly, you can weigh the pros and cons of coming out to your family.
Pros:
- Being open about your non-religiosity allows you to live authentically and more happily, free from the burden of pretending to follow beliefs you no longer believe.
- Being free from religious rituals also frees up time and energy to learn other philosophies, leading to personal growth.
- Declaring your non-religiosity earlier gives your family more time to accept you for who you are.
Some cons:
- Your family might never accept your non-religiosity, leading to prolonged conflict. You could be forced to live separately.
- Backlash or ostracism from your community could impact your social and emotional well-being.
- If the majority of your friends are from the same religion. you could lose a large number of friends within a short time.
While deciding the best course of action to take, there are some things you can do to prepare yourself for an eventual transition.
- Ensure you are financially independent, so you have the means to move out.
- Build new networks in new communities that accept you for who you are.
- Build mental resilience, cultivating healthy ways to cope with stress and rejection.
In worst cases, where acceptance is not possible, consider being a non-practising member of your religious community as a compromise. Above all, remember to prioritize your own well-being and happiness as you make this decision. If you need support from the Humanist Society, you are welcome to join our events and seek advice from like-minded people.
Wishing you strength, clarity, and peace as you journey forward.
